Yesterday I gave some suggestions about what to look for in a friend. Three traits that mark a good friend are a fear of God, loyalty, and honesty. Today I’d like to suggest four traits that you should avoid in looking for a friend.
The first thing to avoid in looking for a friend is foolishness. Pr 13.20 says “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm,” and Pr 14.7 says “Leave the presence of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge.” So a foolish man is no candidate for a friend.
But how do you spot a fool? A fool can be spotted by his lack of the fear of God, by his refusal to bow the knee to Jesus and take on the yoke of discipleship. In other words, a man whose worldview is not structured with the infinite, personal God at the center is a fool. The Word of God is not “law” to him. Such a man is no fit friend (1Tim 6.3-5). If you make friends with such a man, you’re asking for a cartload of trouble.
The second thing to avoid in looking for a friend is a man with a hot temper. Pr 16.29 says “A man of violence entices his neighbor and leads him in a way that is not good” Pr 22.24-25 says, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” It’s become acceptable, even popular, to admire the person who gives instant and full expression to his emotions, passions, urges, and thoughts, the person who speaks his mind and “takes nothing from nobody.” The most popular characters in films are those who don’t play by the rules, but get the job done with a “my way or the highway” attitude. We tend to think that a person who doesn’t care what others think and says and does what he wants is “the real deal.”
But God’s Word provides a different perspective. God says a man who controls his anger is actually “the real deal,” Pr 14.29; 15.18; 16.32; 19.11; 25.28; Js 1.19. To be patient and self-controlled is to be like God, Ex 34.6; Ps 103.8; Joel 2.13; Jonah 4.2; Nah 1.3. The desire to settle the score and get even is a desire to be God and a sign that you’re not trusting God to settle it for you (Pr 20.22). To nurse wrath and hold grudges is to give the devil a foothold in your life, Eph 4.26-27. So a hot-tempered man is no good friend. If you make friends with such a person you’re inviting a man into your life that’ll burn all your bridges.
The third thing to avoid in looking for a friend is an evil tongue. The Scriptures warn us that “the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell,” Js 3.5-6.
An evil tongue is given to gossip and slander and the Lord says we’re to avoid such a person, “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler,” Pr 20.19. Indeed, the Lord hates “a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers,” Pr 6.19. Gossipers may have no problem attracting eager listeners, but the Lord hates gossip. Besides what a bad example such a person will be to you, if you make friends with a gossip you’re guaranteed, sooner or later, to be the topic of his gossip. If he has no qualms telling you about others you can be sure he’ll have no qualms telling others about you. That’s why a best friend has been defined as “someone who knows enough to ruin you–and doesn’t.”
An evil tongue is also given to flattery. Pr 26.28 says “a flattering mouth works ruin” and Pr 29.5 says “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” It’s because we all tend to flatter ourselves that the flattery of others is music to our ears. We like to hear them speak highly of us because it gratifies our pride. But since a flatterer spreads a net for our feet and will only work our ruin, we need to keep a suspicious eye on those who praise us to our faces. Flattery is a dangerous snare. When someone sincerely expresses their appreciation for you, give praise to God for any good in you and put no stock in it as to your own abilities. All good is of God; all bad is of you. So don’t be deceived by flatterers. They might not maliciously be out to ruin you, but they’re certainly out to better themselves by you. You’re a means to their end, a way to get what they want.
The fourth thing to avoid in looking for a friend is disloyalty. Pr 20.6 says “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?” and Pr 25.19 says “Trusting in a treacherous man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips.” How do you spot signs of disloyalty? Look at his commitments and promises. How does he behave under pressure? Does he go with the crowd? Is he willing to take principled stands, even if they’re unpopular? Faithfulness under pressure is a sign of loyalty while crumbling under peer pressure usually reveals disloyalty. If you want a loyal friend look for a principled man, a man who lives by principle and not by pressure.
Pray for the grace to be the kind of friend you’re looking for in others; and give thanks to the Father that Jesus is such a Friend to you.
