Real friendship has fallen on the rocks in these days of cheap, easy friends through social media. We can have thousands of Facebook friends and yet not so much as one real friend. Or, we could be connected with several true friends through social media but because of the nature of the relationship (through posts, pics, and likes) we lose sight of what a real friend is supposed to be and do. I hope these posts on friendship help you think through the kind of friend you are and the kind of friends you have. Having good, close friends is a real treasure and blessing in life that should never be taken for granted. And now that we’ve covered the things to look for and avoid in choosing friends, I’d like to give you some advice about relationships.
Letting people as close to you as a friend ends up being is both a blessing and a risk. It creates a bond that returns great rewards; but it also makes you vulnerable to being really hurt. Using the wisdom of Proverbs, let me speak of some of the pitfalls to watch out for in close relationships with friends.
The first is excess. Pr 25.17 says “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.” The idea behind the verse is that by “making our foot rare” or “scarce,” we make it valuable. Is Solomon saying we should never spend a lot of time with a friend? Of course not. Real friends enjoy being together. Instead, he’s counseling us to nurture and cultivate the friendship without saturating and drowning it. In other words, our friendships need our investment, not our constant taxing.
We’ve probably all been in a draining relationship in which the person had an overwhelming and demanding presence. Time spent with them was really hard work because they needed so much from us. They always had stuff to unload on us, always had a burden to share with us, always needed us to listen, always needed us to just be there for them. These persons can be, and often are, real friends whom we love. But the nature of the relationship is that it drains us dry. That friend always took, but hardly ever gave. This proverb is a warning against being that person. Of course friends are there for us–that’s what friends are for; but we need to be there for them as well.
This proverb is a warning against being the friend whose friendship is all take and never give. Friendship takes real work, and an important part of that work is learning to give as well as to receive, learning to be a friend to your friends, learning to put your friends first, learning to be a friend whose every visit is so welcome and refreshing that when you do need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent into, and a back to help carry the burden, it’s gladly and freely given.
The second is flattery. Pr 26.28 says “A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin” and Pr 29.5 says “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” I spoke about this in yesterday’s post, but it bears repeating here because it’s a dangerous pitfall to real friendships. As our love for our friends grows we start overlooking more and more of their faults because we learn to accept them as they are and look past the little peccadillos. And indeed, that’s what real friends do. But here’s just where the pitfall shows itself. There’s a danger is overlooking not just minor faults, but serious faults, and instead heaping on flattery.
A relationship characterized by flattery is one in which hard truths are held back and untruthful praise is lavished. It may look like love, but it isn’t. A flatterer sets his friend up for disaster because he doesn’t tell him the truth. A true friend, on the other hand, loves you enough to administer needed correction, he loves you enough to call your faults what they are.
It’s hard to raise concerns in a friendship. It’s hard to criticize. No one wants to do it and hardly anyone wants to hear it. So remember a few things: 1) if your love for the person is the reason you’re raising the concern, then be sure you do it in love, with gentleness and tenderness, and not in a judgmental way; 2) since you know how hard it is to be criticized–especially by someone who usually thinks you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread–be patient and sympathetic with the person if they initially seem to be offended; 3) be prepared to be wrong–especially when you’re sure you’re right. Things aren’t always as they appear. Appearances are often deceiving. Be prepared to be wrong. And if you end up being wrong, be humble enough to admit it and ready to apply your own love-salve to the wound caused by your criticism; 4) pray. Pray for yourself and for your friend that the Holy Spirit would bring you closer and make your relationship the better for your honesty and love; and 5) practice receiving your friend’s criticism in just the very way you’d want them to receive yours.
A third is taking offense. Pr 10.12 says “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” It’s the nature of letting people get close to you that you make yourself vulnerable. You let them within the walls and underneath the armor, so to speak, and that results in a level of trust and intimacy that (sinners that they are) they can and will sometimes offend you.
So you need to guard against the pitfall of taking offense. Instead, you need to “love it over.” You need to hide the transgression, not by condoning the wrong they did, but by making allowance for it (i.e. forbearing it) and forgiving them as God in Christ has forgiven you, Col 3.13. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Leave the quarrel before it even starts. It’s much easier to start a quarrel than resolve it, and it’s much easier prevented than stopped (Pr 17.14). So learn not to take offense, think the best of their intentions, and let sleeping dogs lie.
But what happens if you don’t overlook the molehill and treat it as if it were an impassable mountain? If you refuse to love it over, and instead keep pecking at it, keep repeating it, keep harping on the same string, you’ll really hurt the relationship and lose the very thing you’re trying to protect. You’ll end up causing the very damage you’re accusing the other person of causing.
When you’re offended, there are three possibilities: 1) love it over and drop the matter; 2) lovingly address it and maybe enjoy a satisfactory outcome, upon which you drop the matter, and 3) lovingly address it and not be satisfied with the outcome, upon which you either: a) distance yourself from the friend; b) resolve to drop the matter; c) keep bringing the matter up until the relationship self-destructs.
An intimate friendship creates vulnerability. It allows one’s intimate friend an opportunity to do the kind of damage that no one else can. When this vulnerability has been exploited and causes real damage, the injury is not easily undone. Trust is broken. Intimacy is scarred. In some cases the relationship simply cannot continue as before.
This reminds us that we must begin by being the friend we want others to be. And how do we do this? Only by learning from Christ’s own friendship to us.
**Check back tomorrow for the peaks to enjoy in relationships.
